Chronicles of the Hecknoobs: The Nerfbat Anthology

[Llenlleawg]

Sillanto shouts: (censored) (censored) (censored)ING (censored) (censored)!!!!

He stole Tsukts' phrase! Shame!

[Kylissa]

can you blame him?

[Ruffixx]

Bump. One of the best active threads in Reets can't be on page 3!

[Kylissa]

To be on page three should never be the destiny of this read... STICKY!

[Llenlleawg]

STICKY!

This is the most meaningful posts in Reets ever. Y'hear that, ARKs?

[Kylissa]

This is the most meaningful posts in Reets ever. Y'hear that, ARKs?

Meaningful.... posts....?!?!?! What are those?????

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 10.5
The other half of the chapter.

Omutb rapped on the door to the underground lab.
"Hello?" He called.
Everyone waited a few seconds for a reply.
"Hello?" Joanbot called, and knocked a little harder at the door.
The door promptly collapsed inwards.
"(censored)!" Llenlleawg burst. "The plotafoots must be of the tinkering variety that eat door hinges!"
"lUcKiLy FoR mE iM oFf ThE hInGe So I gOt NoThInG tO wOrRy AbOuT!" Craziiblade declared.
"What about the rest of us?" Berrenta asked nervously, hiding behind Omutb. "We're not off our hinges are we?"
Craziiblade watched Berrender scratch his head with the support beam again, and then to Berrenta. "wElL, yOu'Re KiNd Of HiDiNg BeHiNd A cRaT fOr PrOtEcTiOn, So..."
Omutb shook his head and walked inside the doorway, examining the lab.
Nobody was there.
"Look, a note," Joanbot muttered, running forward and plucking a piece of paper from the ground. "Oh my goodness, this is big!"

True confessions of an insane madman.
Hello, if you're reading this, it means I have already tried to escape. My name is Pinky, and the evil noob army that is running amock is my creation.
I wish not to apologize for what I have done, but taunt you. I have not only tried, but succeeded in escaping by successfully utilizing a hack known as 'carrying the one' and me and Keeper are currently on the loose. You'll never stop us, and killing us both is the only way to stop the noob army. Sorry to crush your dreams, fools.
By the way, Mind had nothing to do with any of this, and if you see him you should ignore him. And give him the deed to this lab.

"Oh my," Joanbot gasped.
"Wait a minute, I recognize this handwriting," Omutb said slowly. "It belongs to..."
Mind gritted his teeth and watched the team from down the corridor. His cover was blown, there was nothing left for him to do.
He ran for it.
"It belongs to that Fishbowl guy!" Omutb finished. "We have to go find him!"

"Hello," Cyriann said casually to someone who had gone into the garden of Shere. "Would you like to help us fight the noob army that could destroy all of the Rubi-Ka and shadowlands if we don't do something about it?"
The trader she was talking to looked up, then looked at his shotgun. "Well, I just got this mudurlugulurgulugluruglu and I'd like very much to test it..."
"Great!" Cyriann said cheerily, and promptly smacked the trader over the head with the bottle.
Somewhere the great counter ticked five.
"NOOO!" Ruffix said quickly. "You're not doing it right. Watch this,"
He took the bottle and slammed it down over the head of some other bystander.
"Hey dood want to join our team?"
-Tick-Six-
"Howabout you, kind sir?"
-SMACK!-
-Tick-Seven-
Quieromorir stared almost pleadingly at the bottle. "Yo quiero ser en tu equipo! Matame con el botella por favor!"
Xaun watched Quieromorir and blinked a few times. "Uh..."
-Tick-Eight-
"You guys! Wait!" Xaun burst. "I've got it!"
The five quickly huddled together, Xaun whispering excitedly.
"NO!" Windam suddenly burst. "We are NOT going to do THAT!"
"You sure?" Cyriann asked.
"....." Windam replied.
"And then you can do your bow special attack too if you'd like," Xaun said. "But the important thing is that we give them an exotic show and then they'll all be at our will!"
"I am sooo going to get kicked for the ARK for doing this," Windam sighed.
"That's the spirit!" Ruffix declared, and raised the bottle into the air in victory.
And hit some guy in the chin.
-Tick-Nine-

Pinky ducked into the Jobe wompah with Keeper running close behind him.
He burst into the platform and his jaw dropped. "They've gotten here already!"
Keeper blinked, aghast at the destruction of the once beloved Jobe Platform.
"I didn't think they'd completely destroy it like this.... at least not quite so fast..."
"How are we ever going to get across?" Keeper wailed.
"We can't... luckily I'm a metaphycisist though, so we can warp to the garden of Ely..."
Keeper nodded, staring out at the drifting rock formations in front of him. Then something warm and uncomfortable grabbed his wrist.
"But..." Pinky said slowly. "It might be dangerous...."
Keeper turned around slowly.
"This might be the last time I have the chance to...."
Keeper's eyes became as wide as dinner plates.
"I was thinking... before we go.... me, you, and a bottle of absinth...."
Keeper pulled away quickly. "WAIT!"
Pinky looked at him pleadingly.
"You.... you want...." Keeper gasped. "No I.... wait... how big a bottle of absinth?"
Pinky checked his inventory. "One liter."
"Made of glass?"
"Ohhh," Pinky said with a grin. "I didn't know you were..."
Keeper kicked Pinky in the face. "No, perv. The bottle!"

[Ciggie]

haha glass ftw!
good episode i loved it but im quite vanished from last few ones i wonder why
keepem coming

[Docnamdkeeper]

good episode i loved it but im quite vanished from last few ones i wonder why

Because your character has more concealment than the narrator's perception. Which is part of the plot....

zomg plot twist! nerf nerf nerf!

[Feniks]

Omg I died and I didn't even get to chop some armzzz

Good ones though

[Llenlleawg]

"Wait a minute, I recognize this handwriting," Omutb said slowly. "It belongs to..."
"It belongs to that Fishbowl guy!" Omutb finished. "We have to go find him!"

Hmm, this was a little KOTOR-ish, I think...

[Kylissa]

More please i wanna know more about this bottle of Absinthe.... and what happened to the contents!

[Winstonstan]

Amazingly Great and Funny...

BUMP ! ! !

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 11
Zomg hurry up!

Beep beep beep.
Omutb looked around at his team.
Beep beep beep.
"Not me," Llenlleawg said quickly.
Beep beep beep.
"Can someone shut that up?" Berrenta asked irritably.
Beep beep beep.
"iT's DrIvInG mE cRaZy!" Craziiblade snapped.
Beep beep beep.
"Beep beep beep!" Berrender repeated, clapping his hands.
Beep beep bepp.
Joanbot looked around. "What is that?"
Omutb looked at his comms device.
"Oh my, this is big," he said slowly.
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Nooberino' has reached enlightenment.
"What?" Joanbot asked.
"This could be devastating.... we have to be swift from here on."
"Why?" Llenlleawg asked. "There a plotafoot chasing us?"
"I'm afraid it's much bigger than that...." Omutb answered. "Lost Eden is coming out in less than a month.... we have to finish this series before it comes out!"
The narrator gasped. He really hadn't thought of how they were going to beat the noob army, and finding a way for them to in only a few episodes seemed impossible.....
"How are we going to do that?" Berrenta asked, a horrified expression on her face.
Omutb looked gravely at the piece of paper in his hands. "We will have to..."
"No..." Joanbot croaked dramatically.
"Carry..... the One...."
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Theh1' has reached enlightenment.

Pinky gasped and looked at his comms device. "No.... not now.... No.... NO!!!"
Keeper looked at him quizically. "What?"
"Lost Eden is coming out in a month! They just announced it!" Pinky cried.
"Oh, well," Keeper said, faking a tone of sympathy. "You've still got a month to..."
"No I haven't!" Pinky snapped. "Now, everyone is going to rush to 220 as fast as they can, and with a bunch more 220's in the game, my noob army will be crushed and there will be no world domination!"
"Awwww," Keeper said, reaching for the bottle of Absinth, hoping Pinky wouldn't notice. "That's soo sad."
"Yes it is," Pinky snapped, snatching the bottle away. "It makes me sad. So be it. Now, I'm warping us to the garden, we've got work to do."
"Surely people won't just start..."
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Valriana' has reached enlightenment.
"AAAH!" Pinky shouted, horrified, and began to furiously cast the garden warp nano. "It's starting! AAAAH!"
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Sluggoz' has reached enlightenment.

Iamiko peeked around the corner of the Omni-Med special needs clinic, and held her wrench forward, signalling to the team behind her.
Quickly, Snowkitten, Prawnz, Pronz, and Saetos ran forward into the next hallway and ducked into one of the rooms.
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Demonmuffin' has reached enlightenment.
"If my layout of the building is correct," Iamiko whispered, taking out a blueprint and holding it in front of them. "Then the lobby is straight down from here and once we reach it, we just have to duck past the security and we're out."
"Duck past security?" Saetos hissed. "They have receptionists everywhere, security cameras as far as the eye can see. We have to disguise ourselves as sane people and hope that they don't stop us."
Snowkitten nodded, and looked around the room they were in. "How do sane people dress?" she wondered aloud, looking around the room.
"Teh r00m is 5traigh7 d0wn phrum here?" Prawnz asked.
"Yes, how do we go straight down from here?"
Snowkitten looked around. "Well, we're in the laundry room right now, so we just jump down this laundry chute and we're there."
"The laundry chute goes to the lobby?" Saetos asked.
"Yes, I remember it does, I helped install it." Iamiko noted.
"Practical," Saetos said with a hint of admiration. "Now, we just need to figure out where we can get some clothes... any clothes."
Iamiko looked around the laundry room slowly.
"Hmmmm...."
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Shakira' has reached enlightenment.
She pulled out the blueprint of the building, looking carefully at the descriptions of the rooms around her.
"Let's see, locker room right next to us.... then a garment depository.... then a tailor.... and next to that a Ghetz's fine fashion outlet....."
Snowkitten sighed. "We'll never find any clothes!"
Saetos nodded grimly. "We'll just have to go through undisguised and hope for the best."
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Helluvarx' has reached enlightenment.

Windam sighed.
"I can't do this...."
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Yesyoucan' has reached enlightenment.
Xaun motioned to him, whispering "There are lots of people here.... it's the perfect time...."
Windam grimaced and nodded.
"Here ye!" He shouted forcedly. "I here there are noobs running amok!"
Everyone quickly turned to him, whispering between each other.
"They come to burn your homes!"
The crowd nodded and whispered some more.
"They come to steal your kills!"
The crowd nodded in agreement, entranced by his words.
"They come to destroy your friendships!"
The crowd muttered some more, their attentions held unwavering on Windam as he spoke.
"They come to take your weemun!"
The crowd nodded tensely.
"And keep all of your XP and SK!"
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Notquiteall' has reached enlightenment.
The crowd gasped, horrified.
"But I bring good news!" Windam called, and everyone stared at him expectantly, on the edge of their seats.
"Give 1 mil credits plus shipping and handling to Xaun over there and I, as an ARK, have been convinced to supply you all with nerfbats, normally only issued to the most trusted of ARK's...."
Everyone cheered and ran to Xaun, who was grinning widely.
"Okay," Windam said with a sigh as he began to hand out copied nerfbats. "So we're giving them nerfbats to fight off the noobs. But Why are we making them give you money?"
"It's a quest, just like the jobe armor thing," Xaun caughed, stashing all the credits in her bank.
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Scammz' has reached enlightenment.
"Ah."
Ruffix, Windam, and Quieromorir nodded in approval. Only Cyriann seemed to notice that giving a nerfbat to whoever was in shere garden with one mil on hand was a bad idea....
Right then, Sillanto appeared on the resurrection pad.
"Sillanto!" Ruffix gasped. "Where did you go?"
Sillanto stood there, shaking for a few seconds before slowly turning his gaze to Ruffix, his eyes wide with terror, his gun with 39 out of 40 bullets in the champer still pointed at his head.
"It was horrible....." he gasped, still shaking uncontrollably. "It was...."
Windam gasped, horrified. "Oh God.... no.... they didn't.... not....."
"THE BETA!" cried Sillanto, holding out a ql 3 unknown.
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Betablocker' has reached enlightenment.

Cigara looked over the hill, spotting the mass of hecknoobs in the distance with her binoculars.
"That's them alright..." she said slowly. "They seem to be grazing or something."
Enterdragon examined the group through the scope of his sniper.
"Actually...." he said tensely. "They're...."
"They're what?" Tropicana asked quickly.
"They're trying to collect immortal fungus from the ground, probably for selling..."
"Ugh!" Snooklear said dismissively. "Only poor noobs stoop that low! They should only loot pearls like the rest of us."
Sefus looked around, looking at his team as they watched the herd of noobs, then looked to Fishbowl, his huge gun sitting next to him as he sat down and played with the grass, not a care in the world.
"You guys..." Sefus finally said. "How did we get here? Weren't we just on Rubi-Ka doing some training?"
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Uneedtraining' has reached enlightenment.
"Yeah..." Cigara said. "But then we fell through that plot hole and landed here, remember?"
"Yes," Sefus replied. "But.... how did the plot hole get here?"
He examined the grass carefully, a small, sky blue hole in the ground, as if the soil below them was just a sheet that had ruptured in a perfect circle, shrinking slowly.
The grass around it was flattenned slightly. The flattened area of grass made a Feniks shape.
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Su****ious' has reached enlightenment.

You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Szyylin' has reached enlightenment.

"What are we doing here?" Zenthilar hissed angrilly. "We've already passed basic training!"
"Uhmmm...." Blackdog said, looking around slowly. "I'm not sure... hey look it's Nemo's resturaunt. Let's go get a burger!"
Drcindy blinked a few times, looking around. "Strange...."
General Li'Angreh sighed. "Curses.... now we'll never get at the action."
Glassgoat looked around. "Where's Feniks?"
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Wherizze' has reached enlightenment.
Everyone looked around slowly.
"Didn't he get killed by the flying bottle?" Blackdog said slowly.
"Yeah.... that thing was evil...." Drcindy added, shivering at the memory.
"It had big, nasty pointy teeth!" Zenthilar added, holding two fingers up and pointing them down over his face, like really bad bunny fangs.
"I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that bottle had a mind of it's own..." Blackdog said. "Scary."
Suddenly Feniks came running out of Nemo's, carrying a burger in one hand and a nerfbat in the other. "You guys! I had saved in Shere garden! Look what I got!"
You feel the core of your being shift, as the source makes room for a divine prescence. 'Ohtehnoes' has reached enlightenment.

To be continued....
PS: If you count them, there are 16 enlightenment messages in this episode, which was the number that my org had counted yesterday by the time I logged off.
Enjoy, and tell all your friends about this and Mission Impossible four so they can enjoy them before the last few episodes come out.

Huge grats to Szyylin, who actually got his 220 while I was writing this, and Valriana, who was the person that an orgmate copied the ding 220 message of when posting to make sure I had it right when writing this. All on RK2 send a /tell grats to both of 'em!

PS: All the other names of 220 dinging people are fake. Sorry.

[Moonleg]

I don't need to send a tell to Szyylin; I was on his team when he dinged off the mish reward in Inf. Great doc, he was.

[Reneaa]

On a lighter(?) note, I was in weight training, and someone threw a bottle, and it hit me....I need to up my evades

[Szyylin]

Hehe i read this and i was thinking 'I know we were lots to ding 220 on that day, but i dont remember those names. And all these crappy names : Nooberino, Scammz, Betablocker. Thats's weird'.

Great job. I like those purple messages looking like a countdown to the end of the world.

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 12
It's the end of the World as we know it.
I feel fine.

Silently all the hecknoobs stole over to the Ely heckler beach, like an eerie, noiseless mass of one mind, one purpose.
As noiseless and unified as a bunch of whiny noobs can be, that is.
They were all running after something, and Cigara quickly adjusted her binoculars to try to figure out just what it was....
"Can you see it?" Enterdragon asked, slowly tilting his rifle to center the object in question in his scope.
Cigara squinted a bit harder "It's a...."
"It's a what?!" Tropicana gasped.
"It's a...."
Before she could announce what it was that she saw, a hole in the sky appeared and Blackdog, Zenthilar, Drcindy, Glassgoat, Feniks, and Zenthilar fell out of it.
Right on top of Cigara, Fishbowl, Enterdragon, Snooklear, Tropicana, and Sefus (respectively).
"What the-?" gasped Snooklear as Glassgoat slammed onto him, knocking the wind out of him.
Feniks hastily got to his feet, looking down sympathetically at a smushed Tropicana.
Blackdog felt something binocular shaped hit him on the head and he rolled off of Cigara.
Zenthilar slammed into Fishbowl and Fishbowl was sent careening down the hillside.
Drcindy felt something rifle shaped poking her and hopped to her feet. When she saw it was Enterdragon's perennium, she calmed down a bit.
"What was that?" Feniks asked, brushing off Tropicana roughly.
"I don't know... we fell out of a plot hole..." Drcindy said, looking up into the sky.
The hole was still there, shimmering darkly above them, looking like a perfect two dimensional cutout several meters over their heads, even though it was set against a three dimensional atmosphere that stretched far beyond...
"Odd...."
Then something blurred and tiny flew through where the hole was, cutting it in half. The two halves of the hole slowly fluttered to the ground like inky black paper, dissolving into smoke before they hit the grass.
"Did you see that?" Cigara gasped. "That was the thing we were spying on!"
Zenthilar squinted and looked carefully at the flying blur, which was heading straight towards the heckler beach.
"It looks like..." he said, "A bottle.... with wings... and big nasty pointy teeth...."

Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunkitty-Thunk-Thunk-Thunkz0r-Thunk-7hUnl<-Thunk
Snowkitten, Iamiko, Prawnz, Pronz, and Saetos fell out of the laundry chute and into the center of the lobby.
"Hello there!" the receptionist called warmly. "Welcome to the Omni-Med Butter Asylum! All the help for abnormal mental problems with a complementary Omni-Med Butter Cake!"
Iamoko hopped to her feet and brushed herself off quickly.
"Don't mind us, we're not patients trying to escape or anything...."
The receptionist nodded. "Don't worry, all your mental problems are completely normal, so you're free to go anyway."
Pronz blinked up at her. "You think I'm normal?"
The receptionist nodded.
Pronz blushed. "You like normal?"
The receptionist shook her head. "No, I like it really freakin' wierd."
Pronz gasped. "Amagad... my dr34m come tr00!"
Iamiko shuddered in disguist and slammed the wrench into Pronz's skull. "Oh no you don't! We've got work to do!"
Pronz staggered around dazed and looked up at Iamiko. "I can work you too, no need to be jealous."
-WHACK!-

"Yes...." Neo said slowly. "I am the One."
Joanbot looked around. "How did we get into the Matrix Online?"
Omutb shuhsed her quickly. "We carried the two."
"The two?" she whispered back. "Who was that?"
"No, no, no," Llenlleawg said quickly. "It's a metaphor for when you're doing complex math. It was used in a glitch so that we..."
"You don't think that the metaphorical thingy was the sense that we should have taken for carry the one as well?" Joanbot hissed, glancing critically at Neo.
"Uhmmm..." Neo said uneasily. "You want to speak to the Oracle or something?"
Berrender idly strode up and picked Neo up by the neck of his coat. Just... casually picked a guy up the the neck of his outfit is all. "You guys, what do I do with him now?"
Omutb shrugged. "I don't know, Funcom didn't leave an instruction manual on all their glitches lying around. Try carrying him about and see what happens."
Berrender nodded and started duck waddling around the room, with Neo kicking and shouting in tow.
"i DoN't ThInK iT's WoRkInG...." Craziiblade said slowly. "sEe If It HaS aNy BuTtOnS, mAyBe YoU nEeD tO pUsH sOmEtHiNg...."
"I do NOT have any buttons!" Neo shouted.
Berrenta sighed. Then fell through a plot hole.
And so did everyone but Neo, who dodged in a bad Slo-Mo scene.

Pinky looked around, blinking and holding the bottle of absinth in front of his face.
He was on the cliff overlooking the Heckler beach somehow.
"How did we..."
Keeper looked around, equally confused. "I don't...."
Pinky looked down over the cliff. "Hey look, your clones are doing their job."
He held up the bottle up proudly. "Soon, I will be the emperor!"
Keeper looked around.
"I might as well be the emperor now!" Pinky declared loudly. "As nothing could possibly errr from here, I am the King of All of Rubi-Ka and the Shadowlands as of now!"
"No you're not!" Keeper shouted.
Pinky looked down at Keeper critically. "And what would my loyal vassal say against this?" he demanded.
Keeper looked around. "Uhmmm... there hasn't been a kinging ceremony...."
Pinky nodded and sipped the absinth. "And how do you king someone?"
"I think they have to make it to the other end of the checker board..." Keeper said slowly.
Then Keeper got an Idea.
"Wait, no! You have to christened! That's it!"
Pinky thought about this. "Okay..."
"I can do it now. Right now, and you'll be king of Rubi-Ka..." Keeper said quickly.
Pinky nodded. "Okay, how do you do that..."
"Well, you know how they christen boats by breaking bottles over the stern?"
Pinky nodded and held out the bottle of absinth. "Will this work?"
"Perfect!" Keeper exclaimed, taking the bottle and raising it above his head.
"I hereby christen you.... Tick Ten!"
"Tick Ten?" Pinky asked.
-Tick-Ten-

The instant of Pinky's death another hole in the sky like the one above Cigara's team formed.
Windam looked straight up into it.
"Hey, what's...."
Omutb, Llenlleawg, Craziiblade, Joanbot, Berrenta, and Berrender fell out of the plot hole and landed on top of Cyriann, Sillanto, Windam, Quieromorir, Xaun, and Ruffix (respectively).
"Where did you come from?" Sillanto shouted angrily, pushing Llenlleawg off of him.
"Well...." Joanbot said, moving away from a crumpled Windam, "We were exploiting the Matrix Online..."
"EXPLOITING?!" Windam burst furiously.
"Yes, we were ruining the Matrix Online," Omutb said quickly.
"Ah," Windam said, putting the nerftwig away. "Fine by me then."
"Hay alguien quien sabe que esta haciendo ahora?!" Quieromorir shouted.
"Does anyone know what's going on right now?" Cyriann asked.
"Ehmmm...."

Mind looked over the ledge, seeing the noob army.
"Great, now all I have to do is kill that fool Pinky before Omutb finds me...."
Then a thought hit him.
That if both Keeper and Fishbowl found him at the same time, then he would be trapped in Mindkeeper again....
Almost as hard as Keeper hit him when he tackled him.
"FISHBOWL! GET HERE NOW!"

Feniks looked around.
"So, does anyone at all have any clue as to what's going on?"
Everyone shrugged.
"Apparently whenever anyone dies by bottle damage, a plot hole appears...." Zenthilar suggested.
"And where's lil Fishbowl going?" Tropicana asked.
"Away to be free?" shrugged General Li'Angreh.
"Not with my MBC he doesn't!" Enterdragon shouted and charged off.

Then Fishbowl caught up to where Mind and Keeper where fighting.
There was a flash of light, the three disappeared.
Mindkeeper appeared, and looked over the cliff to see the hecknoob army.
With the same kind of facial expression that a guy with a hangover might give to a garaged with the car parked halfway through the wall.....
Then it came at him.
A bottle with wings and big nasty pointy teeth.
He didn't have time to duck, but only turn his head to hear....
"Leave my honey alone!"
-Tick-Twelve-
Then the flying bottle demon and the bottle of absinth stole off into the sunset.

"You guys! I got it!" Sillanto shouted suddenly.
"What?" Windam asked.
"A way to get rid of the hecknoobs!"
"How?" Berrenta asked critically.
"You know how they took down the stormshelter mining for fish?"
Everyone nodded.
"I could tell them that there's a certain ARK giving out fish if they do something..."
"Throw themselves off a cliff?" suggested Omutb.
"Hit themselves with nerfbats?" Windam said.
"Target one of the bor gank squad and press Q?"
"No no no.... MUCH worse...."

Blackdog looked around.
"Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Sefus asked slowly.
"Blood! Bl00l)!"
"That!" Blackdog said quickly. "A chanting noise."
Everyone looked around.
"Oh my God!" Snooklear shouted in horror.
A massive group of players all approached them, all bearing nerfbats in hand.
"Where did you get those?!" General Li'Angreh shouted angrily. A generally angry voice.
"We bought them from this Windam guy..."
"Who are you people?" Feniks growled, readying his Kyr'Ozch sword.
"We're the Borealis gank squad...." the frontmost nerfbat wielder declared.
"Hey!" General Li'Angreh said quickly. "I've talked to Oprah, and she said the reason you're doing this is because you're insecure and-"
"We're getting expert tonight boys! Get 'em!"
The nerfbat wielders charged forward, screaming manically.... and then....
Two objects zipped through the air, moving too fast to see clearly, heading right into the mass that was the Borealis Gank Squad....
-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick
-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-TICK!!-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick
-Tick-Fourty Nine-
Everyone stared as the last of the gankers was killed, and the two objects slowed down enough to come into focus.
One was an ordinary, nondescript bottle with wings and big pointy teeth, and the other was a bottle of absinth. And they were leaning against each other cutely.
"Awww it's Jimmy!" Berrender gasped, tossing his support beam away in utter joy.
The bottle with wings nodded.
"Did you give them the note like I asked you?" Berrender cooed.
The bottle nodded again.
"And now you've saved us all!"
The bottle nodded and hopped up and down happily.
"Awwww! You're my favorite pet bottle, and I love you soo much!"
The bottle hopped happily on the spot, then slowly scooched next to the bottle of Absinth and leaned against it.
"Awwww, Jimmy's in love!"
Everyone but Berrender was looking at each other, with expressions clearly stating the three letters "WTF", apparently followed by lots of question marks and exclamation points.
"Jimmy, that's so sweet! I hope you and Absinth are happy together!"
Jimmy nodded and he and Absinth flew off together into the sunset.
Everyone watched them in complete silence.
And then proceeded to loot all the dead gank squad members.

"Hey everyone!" Sillanto shouted as he and Windam neared the mass of Hecknoobs. "Guess what?"
All the hecknoobs started charging forward, each shouting such verbose and articulate strings of thought as "crdtz plx!" and "i ned!"
"Wait! NO!" Windam gasped.
"No, don't show them fear!" Sillanto hissed. "Now all of you, Windam is going to demonstrate the procedure on getting a Fishbat. Once you have one of these, all your most wonderful dreams will come true!"
Windam nodded and coughed nervously. "All you have to do is stomp the ground gently three times with one foot, and say quietly.... QUIETLY.... the phrase 'This is (censored)ing retarded'."
All the hecknoobs looked around.
The ground shook three times as they all slammed their backyard quality boots into the beach.
The air shook and boomed as they all shouted at the top of their lungs, the intensity of the sound sending radio waves of the shout into space.
Several thousands of years from now, in some far away galaxy, a bunch of aliens will be nodding in agreement.
And then all the hecknoobs disappeared.

Epilogue:
The hecknoob army being destroyed and the Borealis Gank Squad having recieved the great shadowlands pwning in the face (and then started pretending it didn't exist so that they're e(censored)s wouldn't be defamed), the world of Rubi-Ka and shadowlands was at peace.

Omutb, Joanbot, Llenlleawg, Craziiblade, Berrenta, Berrender, Sefus, Enterdragon, Cigara, Snooklear, Tropicana, Drcindy, Zenthilar, Blackdog, Glassgoat, Feniks, General Li'Angreh, Ruffix, Xaun, Cyriann, Sillanto, Quieromorir, and Windam all did inferno missions happily and all got to 220.

Mindkeeper woke up with a terrible headache next to Pinky, who shot himself at reclaim and was sent to Omni-Ent for chain death, where he was promptly arrested by the guards in the area.

Snowkitten, Iamiko, Saetos, Prawnz, and Pronz all escaped the Asylum and are currently loose on the street, whereabouts unknown. Except for Pronz, who has been sending some very strange emails to a certain receptionist at the Omni-Med Butter Asylum.

Jimmy and Absinth became happily married, and are currently living ever after. Together, they are now the proud parents of Tequila, who was born a healthy 3 fl. ounces and 12 proof.

The narrator sighed a great sigh of relief, no longer having to keep track of all 35 characters in the story any longer.

-Tick-Fifty-

[Llenlleawg]

Omutb, Joanbot, Llenlleawg, Craziiblade, Berrenta, Berrender, Sefus, Enterdragon, Cigara, Snooklear, Tropicana, Drcindy, Zenthilar, Blackdog, Glassgoat, Feniks, General Li'Angreh, Ruffix, Xaun, Cyriann, Sillanto, Quieromorir, and Windam all did inferno missions happily and all got to 220.

Yeah, right!

[Sillanto]

Almost there!!

Great work Docnamedkeeper

So whats next?

The War for Eden: L00b's Attack?