Chronicles of the Hecknoobs: The Nerfbat Anthology

[Docnamdkeeper]

I thought I said (female) Solitus when I let you use Berrender, not (neuter)Atrox. That's okay though; I'm still neutral about that. (Plot twist! )

Otherwise, good story.

that violates law 101 of AO. All Enfs are Troxes. ;p

[Berrenta]

that violates law 101 of AO. All Enfs are Troxes. ;p

Hmmm.... gotta see the real truth...

Ah fine, whatever. Like I said earlier in this thread, I'm neutral about that. Make her trox all you want.

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 4
graaaagh

"Arrrr me mateys!" Blackdog boomed as he burst into the Omni War-Lounge. "I've got a quest on the high seas for ye!"
Omutb, Joanbot, Cigara, Berrenta, Berrender, Craziiblade, and Llenlleawg all looked up at Blackdog.
"Erm," Omutb said. "What kind of a mission?"
"A very important one that Feniks just told me about. There is a certain person out there who has a plan to destroy all of world as we know it. I feel fine though."
"Why isn't he in on the mission though?" Joanbot asked curiously.
"He's going to the giant countdown right now, sorry," Blackdog replied shortly. "And so am I. I'll upload the coordinates of the suspected threat, and you will have to go pwnz it. Or else. Cyaz"
Everyone could only stare as Blackdog left the room, whistling to himself.
"Uhm, we seem to have seven people so," Llenlleawg noticed. "Stupid team window glitches... it'll be easiest if it's all one team so one person will...."
Cigara nodded, and dashed off. "Gonna get something to eat, have fun with the mish."

"So," Snooklear said in a comforting tone to Fishbowl, slowing the yalm down as it pulled up to a street corner. "You want to go to T@c0 b3LL?"
Fishbowl shook his head and then let it fall to his chest, his shoulders sunken in an sad mime of a sigh.
"He said no to the last twenty resturaunts," Tropicana whispered. "What makes you think this one is any different?"
"Food usually makes me feel better," Snooklear sighed.
"Two thirds of him was perma killed by an Efus bomb. You think a (censored)ing burrito will make him feel better?"
"You're right, better go with the value meal at Nemo's."
Tropicana tried to scream, but it only came out as a yawn.

"And so here's how my evil master plan of evily mastered plan of evil destruction will work," the Seasoned Gimp Metaphysicist drawled, laughing a little. "Reclaim terminals work by resurrecting someone when their soul is released, not necessarily when their heart stops beating. Observe."
He pulled out an extremely odd looking JAME blaster, and blasted Mind square in the chest. The shot didn't kill him, but simply stood up, a dazed look plastered on it's face.
The reclaim terminal beeped a few times and Mind formed on it, looking at his other self curiously.
"It's a sort of empty shell you see," SGMP noted, laughing a little. "It has no soul left. It once was you, an intelligent, quick witted and ambitious and ruthless. But now it is simply whiney and sententious. And I shall create an army of these, and unleash them on the forums. I shall call them the army of Random Alphabetical Symbols."
Keeper gasped, horrified. "You wouldn't dare!"
SGMP laughed and shot Keeper between the eyes. In a few seconds, another Keeper appeared from the reclaim terminal.
"And you were once a kind, hopeful, joyous person, and now that which stans before you, your mirror image, is now simply a stupid gimp that will flood all the levelling spots, farm every last dyna, and fill the entire world with stupidity and angst.
Keeper gasped, horrified. "That's evil, but there's only one so your plan is foiled! The forces of good prevail again!"
"Not true..."
Keeper keeled backwards as another shot hit him in the head, and he was resurrected promptly.
"No, you can't-"
BAM! BZZZT!
"NOOOO-"
BAM! BZZZT!
"OOOOO-"
BAM! BZZZT!
"OOOOO!"

Sefus looked up suddenly, him and Enterdragon walking out of Emo's. "Did you hear that?" he whispered.
"Hear what?" Enterdragon asked.
"It is as if a thousand voices have all been-"
"Silenced?"
"No, this isn't star wars. They all started yapping and whining like idiots..."
A kodiak car slowly pulled up to the parking lot, and Tropicana, Snooklear, and Fishbowl all got out.
"Oh hey, I've seen you guys before," Enterdragon said.
"OMG, hey Sefus!" Tropicana gasped, and ran up and hugged him. "I haven't seen you in a while!"
"Want to do an RK mission?" Snooklear asked, laughing a little.
"Sure, which continent shall we entirely remove from the face of the map?" Sefus asked, chortling a little. "By the way, how's Fishbowl doing, dunno how I'd be doing if my two closest friends were suddenly perma killed."
Everyone turned towards Fishbowl, who was standing off to the side, his head down and his feet idly kicking at the asphalt parking lot.
"ah, he'll be okay."

The perpetual wastelands bigscreen TV lit up, the days countdown being displayed for everyone to see. But something was different this time.
They said the next patch is coming out in a few months now, engine overhaul and everything. See you February!
Crowd gets really furious.
Crowd shouts: THATS IT! I'MA RIOT!
Saetos shouts: Too late! WE'RE already rioting!
Everyone turned to see the entire "Save the Leets" foundation marching towards Prawnz the leet to comfort him in his time of need.
In other words, two people, Saetos and Zenthilar ran to Prawnz to get him to stop crying.
Feniks and Blackdog looked at each other. This was not good.
Crowd shouts: RIOTING IN 3...
Crowd shouts: 2....
Blackdog ran forward and picked up Prawnz and Saetos and Feniks put Zenthilar over his shoulder and they ran as fast as they could to escape the murderous crowd.
Crowd shouts: 1...
Crowd shouts: 0...
Crowd shotus: ZOMG riot LOLOLOL!

[Ciggie]

O.o
Ima quitter hahahaa
riot ftw

[Berrenta]

"Arrrr me mateys!" Blackdog boomed as he burst into the Omni War-Lounge. "I've got a quest on the high seas for ye!"
Omutb, Joanbot, Cigara, Berrenta, Berrender, Craziiblade, and Llenlleawg all looked up at Blackdog.
<snip>
"Uhm, we seem to have seven people so," Llenlleawg noticed. "Stupid team window glitches... it'll be easiest if it's all one team so one person will...."
Cigara nodded, and dashed off. "Gonna get something to eat, have fun with the mish."

Gah plot twist!

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 5
Army of Darkness
Army of Dumbass

Omutb peeked around the corner of the building in Rome. "We're right where Feniks told us to go, and I still don't see anything?"
Joanbot crept out and looked. "Wow... you sure? Who'd we give the map to?"
"Me," Llenlleawg said authoratively, waving the piece of paper around as he stepped into the open. "So it's definitely not a navigation error."
"Howabout we upload the coordinates to our interfaces?" Berrender suggested, scratching his trox head idly with his support beam.
Berrenta stared, completely amazed as Berrender did this.
Just casually scratching his head with a ten foot support beam is all....
"It's not that kind of map," Llenlleawg noted, sighing as he held the crumpled piece of paper in front of him. "But I've deduced that we're right where we need to be, according to Feniks's directions. So we either start digging or wait for something to happen."
"The evil genius who is supposed to have a plan to ruin all civilization have their headquarters under ground?" Omutb shouted, stomping on the concrete pavement below him showingly. "Perposterous! (sp?)"
Craziiblade looked around nervously. "wHaT's ThAt NoIsE?"
Everyone turned around slowly and saw a flood of nooby nanomage doctors... all in varying outfits comprised of battered flak, basic tech, and battered nail armor garnered from the backyards.
And they were all headed straight for them.
Keeper53:ZOMG LOOKIT MEH!
Keeper87: LOLOLOLOL
Keeper33: WHEEEE
Keeper42: OMG I KONW WER MY TOWLE IS!!!1 LOLOL!
Keeper99: CREDATS PLX!
Keeper324: I ROXOR!
Keeper11: ZOMG I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEX INSTEAD OF KEEPER!
Keeper007: TEH NAMES KEEPER! NOOB KEEPER! LOLOL!
Keeper73: OMG I NEED CREDITS PLEEEZE!
Keeper1337: I R TEH LEETEST! LOLOL!!!
Keeper25: LOOKIT ME IM PIKACHU!
Keeper49: KAWAIIII!
Keeper360: I JUST CAME OUT ON THE XBOX!!!1
Keeper84: CALL ME A NUB? I'LL PVP YOU (censored)HOLE!
Keeper69: I R TEH SEXIEST! NE1 WANNA CYBER?
Keeper47: ZOMG I WIN!
Keeper92: PEW PEW PEW!!!1
The herd of ginetically engineered noobs stormed off, their damage done, and Omutb, Llenlleawg, Craziiblade, Joanbot, Berrenta, and Berrender were all left dead, faces of pure horror and annoyance plastered on each face.

"You think we've escaped them?" Blackdog gasped, getting tired from having carried Prawnz and Saetos the long way.
"I hope so," Feniks panted, stopping to catch his breath and putting Zenthilar on the ground. "We started at Perpetual Wastelands and we've run all the way to..."
"Newland..." Zenthilar noted. "See the burger bar..."
Thump.
Feniks looked and saw that Blackdog had collapsed, probably out of tiredness, and dropped Saetos and Prawnz.
"I think we lost 'em..." Feniks groaned.
"Ow," Saetos muttered, getting up and brushing himself off. "Hey, we saved the leet though."
Prawnz happy danced a little bit. "Joo saved meh! ty!!!1"

"Awwww, Fishbowl, cheer up!" Tropican cooed.
Fishbowl pouted and shook his head.
"Won't you tell us why you're so sad though?" Snooklear asked.
Fishbowl shook his head again.
"Fishbowl doesn't talk," Sefus whispered. He pulled out a notepad and a pen and gave it to the pouting little astronaut. "Here, can you write it out for us?"
Fishbowl nodded slowly, taking the pen and stabbing the notepad a few times.
"Hey, I know what would cheer you up," Enterdragon whispered, and pulled a Massive Bolt Charger out of his inventory and handed it to Fishbowl. "Found it while crusing past Afreet in inferno, thought someone might like it for a rainy day."
Fishbowl looked up, and though his face was completely hidden by the doc tier (fishbowl) helmet, everyone could tell he was happy from how he jumped into the air and hugged the proffered weapon. He quickly sat down, his tiny feet kicking in the air below the bench as he wrote on the notepad.
"Thank you sooo much! Less-than-three!" Tropicana read aloud. "Oh, that's so cute, we'd hope it would cheer you up, having lost both your best friends..."
"Are you kidding, I would have traded them both away for this in a heartbeat! This is sooo awesome TY!" Sefus read aloud. "Hey...."
Enterdragon blinked a few times in surprise. "Hey, we meant to make you less sad with that, not actually happy. Give it back!"
Snooklear grinned, very much amused, and read the notepad as Fishbowl scribbled some more on it. "No way," he read. "You gave it to me, it's mine!"
"Fine!" Sefus barked. "Then this notepad and pen are mine!" and snatched them away.
Fishbowl didn't mind losing the notepad and was already running off to twink the new gun in.
And Cigara, having taken the fastest path to the greatest distance away from the Omni-War lounge, happened to run into the parking lot.
Cigara: Oh hey guys what's going on.
Enterdragon: i'm putting fishbowl on /ignore now.
Cigara: Awww, but he's just lost his friends, he's too sad to put on ignore.
Enterdragon: >.<

Omutb gritted his teeth angrilly as the reclaim terminal reformed him.
"Well, now that we know what we're up against..." he hissed furiously to his team around him. "And now...."
"We will pwn those nubis!" Llenlleawg shouted angrily.
"Tehy shall n0t f0rg3t teh day tehy f1lled us w/ fur1ou5 angry RAGE!" Berrender shouted.
"w3 will PWN tehm ALL!" Berrenta shouted.
"nOnEzOr WiLl B lEfT sTaNdInG!" Craziiblade added.
Joanbot stepped forward, ready to add her own shout, then stopped, a look of shocked realization on her face. "Oh my god!" she gasped. "Look what they've done to us all! Now we're all almost.... like them..."
Everyone gasped.
"She's right," Omutb whispered to himself. "Where was the mob last headed? Did anyone see where they were going?"
"To... the... jobe... wompah...." Berrenta croaked.
"Oh... My.... God...."

Meanwhile Saetos, Prawnz, and Zenthilar were deep into conversation while Feniks and Blackdog rested on the hillside.
Discussing a great question of physics and chemistry, of nanotechnology and metaphysics, medical sciences and philosophy, art and psychology.
Deep secrets of the world.
Deep secrets of the mind.
Deep secrets of the infinite.
Questions unasked. For good reason.
Together they would reach a conclusion that would save all of Rubi-Ka.
"I know, but when I try to drink the slurpee, all the syrup comes out and then it's just boring ice," Saetos sighed. "I wish there was a better way."
"You see," Zenthilar said, pulling out a straw. "You make a cut here, nick one of them off, and then you have a spoon."
Prawnz and Saetos watched, amazed at this remarkable feat of ingenuity. "Wow, j00 are teh rox0r," Prawnz chirped.
"But could thee not also simply drink the slurpee as if it were a liquid for the same effect?" Saetos asked, tipping the empty paper cup demonstratively.
"Aye, thee could," Zenthilar noted, putting his pinky to the corner of his mouth. "But if thee knew this already, why didst thou ask?"
And while Saetos, Prawnz, and Zenthilar were discussing the allegory of the slurpee, Feniks opened up one eye tiredly as he snoozed on the hill next to the grid.
And there, standing next to the city gates, he saw...
Keeper101 shouts: xcuse me mr person but I r teh lost from teh t0ur group plx!
"Oh god," he whispered to himself, sitting up. "It's started...."

[Ruffixx]

Great job. Keep it up I love reading these

[Sillanto]

More, more, i need more!!!

Gj

[Docnamdkeeper]

trying to post at least one new chapter every week now, and I'm thinking I might need 1 more good team of hecknoobs for what happens ahead. Anyone want to be in the story?

Just send me a forum pm or ingame tell. I'm on RK1 as Flishbow, RK2 as Mindkeeper, and RK3 as Raxdishaprin. Just the name you would like to go by, your profession, and a short description and you just might see yourself in this!

And if you haven't already, don't forget to check out the prequel series, Mission Impossible 4.

[Berrenta]

"Well, now that we know what we're up against..." he hissed furiously to his team around him. "And now...."
"We will pwn those nubis!" Llenlleawg shouted angrily.
"Tehy shall n0t f0rg3t teh day tehy f1lled us w/ fur1ou5 angry RAGE!" Berrender shouted.
"w3 will PWN tehm ALL!" Berrenta shouted.
"nOnEzOr WiLl B lEfT sTaNdInG!" Craziiblade added.
<snip>
Keeper101 shouts: xcuse me mr person but I r teh lost from teh t0ur group plx!

13375p34|< F7VV!
(leetspeak ftw)

Can't wait till a new chapter comes up!

[Docnamdkeeper]

still need more people to be in this, still short of people for having a whole new team. Come on and volounteer! It won't hurt too much!

[Xaun]

Fantastic!! OMG yay! I have something fun to do at work again! Besides work! =P {and there was much jubilation}

[Sefus88]

"I know, but when I try to drink the slurpee, all the syrup comes out and then it's just boring ice," Saetos sighed. "I wish there was a better way."
"You see," Zenthilar said, pulling out a straw. "You make a cut here, nick one of them off, and then you have a spoon."
Prawnz and Saetos watched, amazed at this remarkable feat of ingenuity. "Wow, j00 are teh rox0r," Prawnz chirped.
"But could thee not also simply drink the slurpee as if it were a liquid for the same effect?" Saetos asked, tipping the empty paper cup demonstratively.
"Aye, thee could," Zenthilar noted, putting his pinky to the corner of his mouth. "But if thee knew this already, why didst thou ask?"

ROFL!
w00t keep it up Docnamedkeeper!!

[Docnamdkeeper]

Chapter 6
Nubi Invasi0n!

Jobe platform sat gracefully in the sky, the serene airscape around it almost shimmering.
So many bygoers and busybodies passing through from the teleport rings to the other islands to the wompahs, or to the wompahs to the teleport rings.
Every last one of them having seen it a million times and having something urgent to do.
But they all stopped and looked, some for just a second and some sitting down. Because it was just so beautiful, just so perfect.
Until....
The whole server was shaken violently, but jerkily because of the sudden lag as hundreds of identical noobs all stormed out.
Keeper01: I'm teh first one teh here!
Keeper02: mi 2!!!!1
Keeper34: ZOMG partie! lol!!!1
Keeper69: cyb0r pr0nz!
Keeper1337: p33k4y!
Keeper42: ZOMGWTFBBQLOL!!!!FORTYTWO!!!!1!!!eleventyone!!111
The herd of noobs ran amuck, instantly killing everyone there, and then as quickly as they had flooded in, flooded out into the three teleport rings.
But not before doing the damage.
A deep, thunderous cracking noise erupted from deep within the platform, then a crunching, then a grinding, then....
Jobe platform fell apart, each wompah and teleport ring seperated and drifting apart in the air.
One of the wompahs hummed loudly, and out popped Omutb, Llenlleawg, Craziiblade, Joanbot, Berrenta and Berrender.
"(censored)!" Berrenta gasped, watching the chunks of rock that were once Jobe Platform slowly drift apart. "We're too late!"
Joanbot gasped, almost crying a little as she watched. "Oh my god, I can see bodies floating around!" She hid her eyes in her hands, and started sobbing loudly.
Llenlleawg frowned, watching the corpses float lifelessly in midair, like ragdolls in space. One of them tilted it's lifeless head towards him, it's lifeless eyes staring right through him and sending a shiver down his spine.
Omutb gawked. One of the bodies happened to be floating around in a most obscene position.
"We have to do something!" Joanbot gasped, choking back tears. "This is too horrible, we can't let it continue!"
Omutb nodded and sighed. "There's no way we can cross to the teleport rings. Everyone in the shadowlands is on their own until they jump."
"We have to warn them." Berrender said. "Watch, I put a note with 'run while you can' in a bottle, and throw the bottle into the teleport ring..."

Windam gasped, lying on the ground bleeding.
One second he had just been hanging out on the Market island of jobe, next to the teleport ring, and the next thing he knew a whole herd of noobs had burst out of it, stampeded over him and flattened him right then and there before he could even get out his ARK standard issue nerfbat.
He groaned, the many thousands of feet pounding on him having broken his back in many places and crushed his limbs.
The noobish whining and yelling having made his ears bleed.
He was down to his last 1 health.
He gritted his teeth. "Those noobs will pay for what they have done to..."
He gasped, some bottle with a note in it flying right towards his face...
You died of Bottle Damage!

"Give me back my MBC!" Enterdragon shouted, tugging at the huge gun that Fishbowl was had been carying around. Somehow, it seemed kind of odd since it was almost twice the size of Fishbowl.
Fishbowl shook his head and tugged back.
"I know that I gave it to you, but it was to cheer you up for your loss, not actually make you happy!"
With that, Enterdragon gave one last tug and the gun came free of Fishbowl's hands.
"Ha, what do you have to say about-"
Fishbowl executes Calias Cuttlefish in your NCU...
Enterdragon flopped around, having just been turned into a squid out of water, and Fishbowl walked over and picked up the MBC idly.
Cigara, Tropicana, Snooklear, and Sefus all watched, rather amused.
Enterdragon popped back into his normal self after removing the program from his NCU. "Okay mister Fishbowl, if that's how its gonna be, you better make use of that gun if you're gonna keep it. We're going to WAR!"
And there was much rejoicing.

Seasoned gimp Metaphysicist sighed. His plan was already in full swing, but he needed to get things going a little faster. He looked over. He still had one of the noob clones left.
Quickly he casted pronouncement of lameness, a nano he had created for all professions for leet polymorphing, and then casted Telephonitis in the new leet's NCU.
Keeper845: Ring Ring!
Seasoned gimp metaphysicist picked up the leet and held it to his ear. "Hello?"
Keeper845: It's for me (censored)hole!
Seasoned Gimp metaphysicist sighed and glared at the makeshift phone. Then he glared at the narrator. "Can't you give me a shorter name or something? This whole gimp thing is insulting and takes up too much room!"
(censored) you I'm the narrator, (censored)!
"And I'm about to take over the world!"
Fine, we'll call you Pinky.
Pinky gasped slowly. "How did you know that I always wanted to be called that?"
The narrator blinked a few times, stunned and then shrugged and the story went back to normal.
Pinky poked the leet a few times, dialing a number, and then held it back up to his ear.
"Hello?"
....
"Yes."
....


Blackdog gasped and hung up the phone.
Prawnz: d00d did j00 jus7 us3 meh @s a phwn?
"Some guy named Pinky is trying to take over the world!" Blackdog shouted hoarsely. "Pinky and his brain!"
Saetos and Zenthilar gasped.
"You don't mean that, do you?" Feniks whispered.
"He's got two souls trapped and is using them to create a demon army. One of them he clones to make the noobs that are running around everywhere."
Feniks nodded gravely. "I've heard of this part of the plan, but I don't know what the other soul is being cloned to do...."
"Hopefully to find the recipe for the ultimate slurpee," Saetos chirped. "One that never runs out of syrup and has none of that boring ice."
"They already have those!" Feniks barked. "It's called fruit juice! And this is serious! They're gonna run all civilized and intelligent life headfirst into the ground!"
"But I want a slurpee!"
"They've already got to him!" Zenthilar gasped. "NOOOO!"
"Slurpeeeee!"

Ruffix, Xaun, Cyriann, and Sillanto were all having a good time at Ely beach.
"Watch me skip stones!" Xaun shouted, and slashed at one of the rockmonsters, sending it bouncing across the surface of the water.
"I can get better!" Cyriann shouted, and socked another one of the monsters for similar effect.
Sillanto nodded as he tried to decide between upgrading his NCU or upgrading his HUD. He had been pondering this for quite some time, and would probably have been able to have done both by now.
"Corre!" someone shouted.
"What was that?" Ruffix asked, looking up briefly from his submachine gun.
"CORRE AMIGOS CORRE!" Quieromorir shouted, running into their midst.
Everyone stared at him.
"Uhmmmm..." Xaun began, not having any idea what Quieromorir was saying. "Would you like to join our team?" she asked politely.
Quieromorir blinked. "Si, pero hay un million de idiotnos quien estan-"
"Great!" Cyriann replied.
Quieromorir joined your team.
"Ahora tenemos que correr! hay-"
Suddenly Windam appeared.
"Hecknoobs!" He shouted. "Lots of them! We have to stop them!"
Would you like to join Xaun's team?
Windam joined your team.
"And now we hae to run, there are a million..."
Everyone looked up to see an army of noobies approaching.
"Oh no, too late...."

[Feniks]

Hehe, brilliant and it's not even Monday yet
keep 'em comin'

[Llenlleawg]

Llenlleawg frowned, watching the corpses float lifelessly in midair, like ragdolls in space. One of them tilted it's lifeless head towards him, it's lifeless eyes staring right through him and sending a shiver down his spine.

O rly?

[Berrenta]

LOL. Nice one

Omutb nodded and sighed. "There's no way we can cross to the teleport rings. Everyone in the shadowlands is on their own until they jump."
"We have to warn them." Berrender said. "Watch, I put a note with 'run while you can' in a bottle, and throw the bottle into the teleport ring..."

Windam gasped, lying on the ground bleeding.
One second he had just been hanging out on the Market island of jobe, next to the teleport ring, and the next thing he knew a whole herd of noobs had burst out of it, stampeded over him and flattened him right then and there before he could even get out his ARK standard issue nerfbat.
He groaned, the many thousands of feet pounding on him having broken his back in many places and crushed his limbs.
The noobish whining and yelling having made his ears bleed.
He was down to his last 1 health.
He gritted his teeth. "Those noobs will pay for what they have done to..."
He gasped, some bottle with a note in it flying right towards his face...
You died of Bottle Damage!

Moral: think twice before you toss.

[Ciggie]

Bottle Damage? Zomg such imagination lol
keep it up doc gr8 work

[Sillanto]

He gasped, some bottle with a note in it flying right towards his face...
You died of Bottle Damage!

All the arks are going to be trading their nerf bats for bottles now

[Cyriann]

yay, i am in the story! /me does a little dance